The joy of coming back and a few stories about being still
Making the most of what is
Hi, I’m Karina!
I write about what I know! I write about what I went through, going through. I write about what helped me carry on, what helps me carry on.
I write about historical events, the ones I ve been a witness off, participant and observer, I write about countries I lived in, about people, about books, about failed projects, about human psychology, about survival, about reclaiming my life in micro steps.
I’ve been away from the white page for a while. Away from the click - click of the keyboard, the rhythm of writing for the soul and not for the job. I did everything I HAD to do but not what I wanted to do. Why? Because I was way too tired and also ill.
When some people say emphatically - you need to take care of yourself, I smile. A part of me cringes as I know this very well but not always you have the privilege to do that. Yes, taking care of yourself sometimes is a PRIVILEGE.
When one has projects in the pipeline, deadlines and needs to solve a myriad of problems one is in a frenzy, the grey cells are working full speed, the adrenaline pumps up and makes the impossible … possible. It is a huge reward - getting the job done, finding those creative solutions bringing closure to circles which were left dangerously open for a while.
So, let me tell you that when one has so much responsibility on ones’s shoulders and when this comes from all directions and survival depends on being there and performing, one needs to dig deep and do what needs to be done. Sometimes you have no CHOICE and it’s OK.
If I look back in my life I see many red threads .. one of them related to holidays. That particular red thread, that pattern, applies to my life abroad. Each time I had a holiday coming, I was taken ill - slipped disk a few times, dangerous bugs almost killed me a couple of times as well. You would say … don’t take holidays and yes dear reader I couldn’t take holidays for quite a few years. Who knows what other illnesses were there in store for me .. I am laughing of course! One has to laugh!
Well, just when I was hoping to have 3 days free, after a back to back sequence of projects, BANG … wiped out thanks to another bug … this time … it was a Glasgow based one. What can I say I loved Glasgow very much and clearly Glasgow loved me and wanted to give me a gift :)
BUGS ARE NOT THE SAME
Have you noticed that the bugs are not the same as in the past? I have! In the past, the bugs had the courtousy of coming gently, on tip toes - nose running one day, a bit of a sore throat the next, muscle pain maybe after … it was a sort of a crescendo … but now … it is all singing and dancing - in one second almost. Now you are OK, admiring the scenery on the train after a 7 hours journey and next, migraine, running nose, sore throat, muscle pain, temperature, all in the same time. CHESS / MAT. No messing around.
Well, one needs to adapt and adapt some more. So I had to allow my body to be still, to sleep because pushing it an inch more did not work this time. I had to sleep, drink some water, sleep some more and … listen to some audiobooks. You know that saying that what seems like a curse sometimes is a blessing in disguise! This is what I feel about this spell of ill health.
FINDING POSITIVE IN ILLNESS
For the first time in years I felt the need to search for audiobooks and much to my delight I discovered Audible - I know, I know, I might be the last one who finds out but hey, I did!
I took the one month free offer and … discovered a talented writer JOY ELLIS - listened to the “An Aura of Mystery” with so much pleasure I cannot even tell you! If you are interested in detective books with a touch of magic this book is for you. It is written with humour and it leaves the reader with a desire to look for the next book written by the author.
I am currently listening to the “Bullet to the Brain” by Marc Arginteanu. Will tell you more about it in my next blog entry.
4 days later I felt well enough to step outside the base and venture in a place I love - Ashburnham Luckily it takes me about 20 minutes drive to reach this oasis of peace and tranquility. In their own words :
“Ashburnham Place and its people are a unique gift. We serve by being a place of refuge and peace for spiritual refreshment and encounter. We seek to understand and respond generously to the needs of the world around us.”
I came to Ashburnham many times before but the mindset was different. Previously I had a clear mindset … walk around the lakes, get as many steps in as possible, don’t stop too soon, keep going, stop at the cafe, drink coffee, open notebook - think about alternative income or open book, read a few pages, come back to the notebook, drive back. The rhythm was mad, all about doing and desperately trying to achieve … something.
This time I was way too weak to walk around the lakes, still ill and not wanting to gift the bug to anybody so … I took my own flask of tea, book, sun hat, walked by lake and discovered a perfectly positioned bench right by the lake. And this is where I simply sat for 2 hours - looking at the Canadian geese and trying to understand the hierarchy of the group, envious for their tranquility and intense sense of purpose, seeing the shapes of the trees and taking everything in with a joy I haven’t experienced in a very long time.
I had to be still! I had to go against my nature and this opened up a sense of peace I only dreamt about before.
Something else I did and feel grateful for is watch the “I am Celine Dion” documentary on PRIME. What can I say…. humans endure so much! Time and time again I ask myself what is the purpose of so much suffering! And no, please do not give me lectures about lessons, karma, and the lot. I am not buying it! Nope! Watch the documentary! It has been filmed with a lot of respect and empathy. The storytelling is exquisite showcasing a human being with the willpower and resilience which I find inspiring!
So, here we are, during my 3 days off I was hoping to:
rebuild my Linked in profile as 6 months ago it disappeard out the of the blue
see a few friends
brainstorm about alternative income streams
cook some new recipes
walk 10,000 steps every day
I did none of it and yet I am OK with whatever was!
Tomorrow is another day!
If you are searching for creative ways to bring purpose, balance, healing and joy to your life this is the place for you. My aim is to share life lessons, the power of art, creativity, storytelling in bringing meaning, balance to our lives, and in the healing we so crave for. What I know is that life is far from being linear, that often we experience trauma and at times, we stay locked in a cocoon of numbness barely surviving emotionally, but still marching. It could very well be that you feel as if your voice is nowhere to be seen, it could very well be that you don’t know who you are anymore. This publication will provide support through sharing life stories, creative prompts, writing prompts and ways to reclaim our voices and our lives.
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“I did none of it and yet I am OK with whatever was!” - isn’t this such a huge accomplishment!
I have been trying really hard to talk nicer to myself and tell myself I’m NOT going to be hard on myself. Catching our thoughts and switching them is huge!