Spreading yourself too thinly, it's a sign
About hurting habits and breaking them one step at a time
Once upon a time, I felt as if I had time. It felt as if I had spare time… in abundance. I was able to achieve a lot very quickly. Or so it seemed! Is it because I was in a constant state of flow? Yes and no. The naive one within was having a nice time, dissociated from reality, being in a “doing mode”. A hamster on a wheel constantly doing, chasing, running, believing that this is the way, the only way, but emotionally staying in the same place. I had no idea that the mega doing was connected with intense hurt. And actually I realised recently that this was and still is my way of coping with trauma.
Who is doing the doing? Is it the body, the panicked mind, hurting soul in that mix? Are they all in it together?
“How can you do so much in one day?” This is something my friends used to ask me all the time. To be frank, I thought everybody was the same as I was. Doing stuff, relentlessly, without stoping, finding another thing to explore, another thing to be distracted by. I had to constantly multitask. It kept my mind occupied, busy, engaged in … stuff and more stuff! I couldn’t see what was behind this busyness, never ending desire to study, explore, be engaged in outside the house.
However, I now know that I did my best to numb and focus on anything that would bring me some comfort, to self soothe and gain a bit of self worth. If one is involved in the “standard” addictions - drink/drugs/sex/food it is easier to notice that something behind the scenes is not right, that pain is somewhere inside, that one is hurting! Not in my case! I was covering pain and trauma with busyness. It was the only way I knew how to cope! It took me many years to realise this and I know it will take me a while to process, to learn to show myself compassion and self care!
If you keep yourself busy, busy, busy something is unaligned. Some parts of you are hurting and screaming in their own way.
Stepping out of the busy(ness) is not easy. It gives one the space to face the cracks in one’s soul, it allows the horror(s) of what one was running away from to come close, the curtains of false protection suddenly are turned into dust. The temptation is to self soothe and start the “doing cycle” all over again. Why? Because a part of our brain believes that this is the only way. That there is not another one. This simple thought keeps us prisoners for many many years. Waking up from the mirage is not easy and at times it feels apocalyptic. However reading stories of other people who are finding their path, away from the shadows of the past is a huge support and inspiration.
The time to start your journey to yourself is now. The time to face your fears one slice at a time starts now.
Starting with small steps and building up is my way forward. Catching myself going down the spiral of busyness is my daily homework.
I know that clarity and solutions are waiting there behind the busyness, behind the veil.
What helped me this week
INSPIRING BOOKS, ARTICLES, MUSIC, ART, MOVEMENT
- and her exceptional On Attachment and Programming: Anthony De Mello article. I was able to “see” so much in this article. I needed to read it and slowly begin to …notice and not slip into the panic mode. Notice and take the decision to allow the seeing to happen. The seeing will be followed by actions without the fear, shame or anxiety.
A short tai chi session in a lunch break - guided by my dear tai chi teacher. It is easy to follow so you can try it too. This is one of my favourite routines - the title is funny as well “Eight Directions Brush Knee Twist Step with Step Back to Repulse Monkey”
Kirtan with Jahnavi Harrison
Until next time, be well!
I agree with you. Though there seems to be a space where doing & being become one and the same. Sometimes I get a glimpse, but it’s hard to stay in that space.