Alice Miller, Self expression and narcissism
How to face difficult days
Alice Miller, a renowned Swiss psychologist, explored the impact of childhood trauma in her work. I read many of her books once I bumped by accident into her website many years ago. To say that she opened my eyes would be an understatement. Thanks to Alice Miller the narcissistic abuse words suddenly explained my experiences. Strangely enough it felt…. I think like in the case of an allergy to something … you suddenly can name what is going on, you have a reason, you have an explanation, things start to make sense. One of her well-known quotes on the subject is:
“The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body, and although we can repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated, and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth."
ALICE MILLER AND HEALING
She speaks beautifully about unresolved childhood trauma, how it remains in both the body and mind, affecting us until we find ways to heal. However, the first step is to stop evading the truth. It’s essential to name the experiences, give them a voice, listen with compassion, and record whatever arises—capturing what needs to be seen and processed without judgment, criticism, invalidation, or minimizing the experiences. Healing has no set timeline for manifesting. The healing journey is bumpy, and it begins with validation. Validation is a crucial stepping stone before, during, and after recovery.
THE CHILD WITHIN
As traumatised children, we often hoped someone would see our struggles, come to our rescue, comfort us, and tell us we were loved, worthy, and safe. Most of the time, this never happened. We faced everything on our own, our prayers went unanswered, and we entered adulthood carrying many invisible yet heavy burdens. Our hearts closed off, and we learned to survive rather than thrive.
GROUNDHOG DAY
What I remember feeling is similar to the famous Groundhog Day movie… hoping for things to change, doing everything possible to please the narcissist, but… the next day, everything starts from scratch, and you're faced with yet another mountain to climb under grotesque emotional abuse.
The difference between physical and emotional abuse is that the marks left by emotional abuse aren't visible, so… no one sees anything. The charade continues. The only visible signs are the sad eyes, but… who takes the time to notice them? And even more, who cares to look deeper?
Western world - I know I generalise - is /was more in favour of talking therapies but in the Eastern block - especially back in the 80’s, ‘90’s it was almost unheard off, a no no or even worse it was a tabu subject. Only open minded families embraced such topics.
This is why when one finds oneself facing all of these experiences on its own the process is even longer, more convoluted and it takes many years to understand what is happening to us, especially if we come from dysfunctional families where 'silence was golden,' and there was no one around to ask to and listen to how we felt.
Even more- when a child is forbidden even to cry, it ends up living in complete dissociation from its emotions, surviving in fragments like a puzzle with missing pieces. Connections are made to hold the structure together, but the effort is unimaginable. What one learns is to endure, to read the room, and to brace for what is to come.
HAPPY FAMILIES / UNHAPPY FAMILIES
Leo Tolstoy famously wrote in “Anna Karenina”, “Happy families are all alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Healing from narcissistic abuse mirrors this sentiment—there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Instead, recovery often involves a range of approaches, a spectrum of healing practices that allow us to explore what resonates with us personally. One of the most critical steps is connecting with others who have firsthand experience with narcissistic abuse.
When you communicate with people who truly understand, you might find, possibly for the first time, a sense of being genuinely heard. There’s no need to brace yourself for the usual well-meaning but misguided advice from friends who don’t grasp the complexities. Instead, you are met with empathy and insight that resonate deeply because they come from shared experience.
Narcissistic abuse stems from a pathological condition, and breaking free from its effects requires recognising the unique challenges it presents.
What helps me nowadays is speaking up, telling the stories without guilt, without shame, expressing myself through intuitive painting and words. What I know is that silence, invalidated emotions and experiences invite more abuse due especially to the lack of boundaries a topic I will cover soon.
WHY INTUITIVE PAINTING?
Intuitive drawing and intuitive writing help us express what needs to be expressed, giving a voice to the wounded child or adult.
Sometimes this shows up on the blank piece of paper as a dot, line, simple color combinations, or marks capturing our feelings and energy in ways only our subconscious mind understands. Other times, figurative work creeps in, or words and scratches pierce the paper, capturing the anguish of a broken heart. There is so much an emotionally abused child needs to let go of—so many heavy, invisible stones wrapped around their ankles.
When I first began painting intuitively, I had no idea what to expect. Simply showing up in front of the blank page was an act of both courage and determination. Every session was, and still is, different. For a few minutes or sometimes hours, as each brushstroke touched the paper or canvas, I felt a sense of freedom and lightness wash over me.
Give it a try!
Until next time, be well!
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Helps to bring home the devastation of such an experience whilst outwardly it can be so easily missed and so difficult to convey to others. Just as the intuitive painting helps us personally, the sharing of our experiences in this regard, and in this way, can reach to others and be a help.